SERMON: Children and Parents (Eph. 6:1–4)
Children and Parents (Eph. 6:1–4)
Series: Ephesians: Building the Church Text: Ephesians 6:1–4
By: Shaun Marksbury Date: July 23, 2023
Venue: Living Water Baptist Church Occasion: PM Service
I.
Introduction
Are there enough parenting manuals out
there? It seems like in every
generation, the world has its books which are supposed to define good
parenting. Yet, it seems that no one can
agree as to which ones are good and which ones should be avoided. Should we hover or should we give our
children room to grow? One fact seems
certain, and it comes from Ecclesiastes 12:12 — “But beyond this, my son, be
warned: the writing of many books is endless, and excessive devotion to books is wearying to the body.”
Scripture is God’s word to us, and as our
sympathetic Creator, He has the perfect perspective on household. Before we go any further, let’s remember that
this is still related to the commands of 5:18 — “And do not get drunk with
wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit.” Remember that the five participles (the -ing
words) that follow flow from that verse; to be filled with the Holy Spirit
means that we’ll be “speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual
songs,” “singing and making melody” in our hearts “to the Lord,” “always giving
thanks for all things,” and (as the ESV translates it) “submitting” to each
other” (vv. 19–21).
The submitting of v. 21 is essential to understanding the
household codes which follow. Wives
submit when they’re subject to their own husbands (v. 22), and husbands when
they commit to loving their wives “just as Christ” (v. 25). In a couple of weeks, Lord willing, we’ll
discuss that slaves are commanded to be in subjection to their own masters
(6:5), and masters to their slaves (v. 9).
We see the same subjection today of both children (v. 1) and parents (v.
4), which shows us an important fact.
For our households to run correctly, we must allow them to
be filled with the Holy Spirit. As such,
we are seeing the Holy Spirit working through the parent/child relationship,
and we shouldn’t be surprised to see the same mutual submission in the
text. So, we will divide our study
accordingly — the Spirit tells children to be subject to their parents in Him
(vv. 1–3), and He tells parents to raise their children in Him (v. 4).
II.
First, the Spirit tells children to be subject
to their parents in Him (vv. 1–3).
Just as we said with husbands exercising headship in their
families, the Roman world didn’t need to be told to have their children in
submission. Yet, the basis of this
command is not the cultural norms of the day, but the Word of God. He calls children to obey, and let’s see what
He says.
A.
First, the Lord addresses children of that day
(v. 1).
Children, obey
your parents in the Lord, for this is right.
Now, the word children here simply means “offspring;”
it doesn’t give reference to sex or age.
In other words, this verse can refer to small children in the home, but
it can also refer to older children, even those who are ready to leave the
home. For now, we’ll just consider those
children remaining in the home.
It’s interesting that Paul assumes children would be in
attendance at the gathered assembly during the reading of this letter. He doesn’t say, “Be sure to tell the children
this once they get out of children’s church.”
He does this because the children would be there, as our children are
here with us, learning and worshipping together. They may not understand everything they hear,
but their parents for more information later.
Indeed, we will say more on this in a few minutes.
The command children need to hear is this: obey. It’s a simple word in the Greek — hupakouō
— which literally means “to hear under.”
So, if you hear a command, you place yourself in alignment underneath
it. Believers hear the Word of God and
place themselves under it, and children hear the voice of their parents and
willingly submit — “in all things” according to Colossians 3:20.
Yes, the child must obey both parents; in v. 2, it’s
“father and mother.” Another similar
verse says, “My son, observe the commandment of your father and do not forsake
the teaching of your mother” (Prov. 6:20).
So, a child who asks dad for permission may not go to mom for a
different answer — or vice versa. A
child also may not see the mother’s opinion as somehow inferior — you’re called
to accept both parents.
God calls children to obedience, and their disobedience can
bring much sorrow in a household. As
MacArthur notes, “Just as an obedient child brings happiness and tranquility to
a family, a disobedient child brings the opposite. He brings “grief to his mother” (Prov. 10:1), unhappiness
and destruction to his father (17:21; 19:13), and disgrace to them both
(19:26). He uses them shamelessly to his own selfish ends (28:24).”[1] Parents who allow their children to be
willful and disobedient create problems for themselves.
Now, children don’t obey just to make parents happy (that
would be people-pleasing). Instead, you
should think about the fact that God places all the authorities in your life,
including your parents, so your obedience to them is obedience to God. As such, consider your submission to them as
one of the ways you worship God during the week.
Colossians 3:20 says, “this is well-pleasing to the Lord,”
and the text says here that “this is right.”
This is the way of the righteous as defined by God, and we should walk
in them (Hos. 14:9). As such, when we’re
talking about what is right, we must refer us back to God’s Word, which is
exactly what we see next.
B.
Second, the Lord addresses children always
through His Word (vv. 2–3).
HONOR YOUR FATHER
AND MOTHER (which is the first commandment with a promise), SO THAT IT MAY BE
WELL WITH YOU, AND THAT YOU MAY LIVE LONG ON THE EARTH.
Remember that anytime the NASB uses the small-caps feature
like in these verses, the translators are telling us that these verses quote
the Old Testament. In this case, the
text references the fifth of the Ten Commandments (Exod. 20:12; Deut.
5:16).
Note that the apostle finds ground for his command in the Law. This is the same Paul who wrote that we are
no longer under Law, but under grace. As
such, he clearly didn’t mean that the law has no more impact upon us. It can no longer condemn (Col. 2:13–14), but
the general equity of the law still comes through.
What does it mean to honor our parents? If we read this in parallel with v. 1, then it
means to obey them. Even as we
get older, we must continue to appreciate and esteem them. As such, this refers to our disposition of heart
toward our parents — one of respect.
That’s why children sometimes get in trouble for tone of voice or for looks;
children must be obedient and respectful.
So important was this commandment that the Law continues in
the next chapter, “He who strikes his father or his mother shall surely be put
to death. … He who curses his father or his mother shall surely be put to
death” (Exod. 21:15, 17)! Children who
grow into unruly teenagers and young adults are a danger to society around
them, and that danger can be seen in the home.
I’ve met younger people in jail ministry who have harmed their parents,
and those people are dangerous to others, as well. That’s why the Lord gave such commands in the
Old Testament. Even though we’re in the
New Testament era, that doesn’t mean we should tolerate such behavior, and we
would do well to get law enforcement involved if need be.
We’re training our children to become adults. As they mature and move out, God told sons to
leave their father and mothers home and cling to their wives (Gen. 2:24). Even so, there is still a lingering honoring
to parents, as Proverb 23:22 says, “Listen to your father who begot you, and do
not despise your mother when she is old.”
There is a balance between a man or woman living life outside the home,
making adult decisions, and maintaining honor for parents.
That honor is seen in how they live their lives. If they seek to honor God and their parents,
then they will do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly with the Lord (Micah
6:8). They will avoid the way of the wicked
(Psa. 1:1; Prov. 4:14), for they know it is hard (Prv. 13:15). Instead, they will follow the godly counsel
they’ve received in life from their parents (cf. Psa. 1:1–2). Would not such be a recipe for a longer life
in general?
On the flipside, dishonorable children will have harder
lives. The detention center is filled
with those continually showing disregard for any authority. Their anger and self-will are so great that
they pick fights and pursue other dangerous activities. If they survive tomorrow, their lives will
still be shorter; their hard-living ages them beyond their years.
Of course, the promise in these verses applied especially to
the Jews remaining in the land. The
privileged sons of the high priest Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, disregarded their
father in wanton sin and died (1 Sam. 4:11).
Among other reasons, the Jew’s later disregard for their parents led to
the Babylonian captivity (Ezek. 22:7, 15).
Just as the Lord sovereignly removed them from the land, He will at
times remove New Testament believers from earth for their behavior (cf. 1 Cor.
11:30).
Sometimes, unruly children are not the fault of loving
parents. Of course, sometimes they are. For children to properly understand the ways
of the Lord, parents must be involved, bringing us to the next point. Just as we saw reciprocal commands for the
marriage relationship, we see reciprocity from the parents here, as well. The Holy Spirit tells children to be subject
to their parents in Him, and…
III.
Second, the Spirit tells parents to raise their
children in Him (v. 4).
Fathers, do not
provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and
instruction of the Lord.
Parents do not submit to children in the same way that
children do to parents. Yet, parents do
need to set aside the televisions and the cell phones and make time for their
children. They must develop an
understanding of what each one of their children needs.
We see two parts to this verse to help us along. The first is a negative command to avoid provoking
children. The second is a positive
command about how the rearing process is to occur. Both elements describe how parents are to see
their roles as commanded by God. Let’s
consider the first.
A.
First, parents must not tempt their children to
sin (v. 4a).
A different term than used in v. 1, singling out
fathers. Paul says something similar in
Col 3:21, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose
heart.” A husband is the head of the
family, so it makes sense that he is ultimately responsible for the parenting (cf.
Gen. 18:19; Deut. 11:19; Psa. 78:4; Prov. 22:6).
This goes back to the principle of the Shema (Deut.
6:4) — fathers are to teach their children these principles (v. 7). Children should see this as part of the lives
of their fathers (v. 8), integral even in the construction of the home (v.
8). While it’s not sinful to utilize the
tools of the church and state to assist in the rearing of children, fathers
should take responsibility for all the teaching their children receive (not
abdicating his role to either). Sadly,
with much of the modern church becoming age-segregated and program-driven, and
with many in the state pushing for longer periods of public education, fathers
can too easily fall prey to the temptation to grant others the exclusivity of
the task.
What might cause such frustration in the child? Several scenarios come to mind. A parent may have standards that are too high
or unbending; the child becoming discouraged when unable to live up to parental
expectations. Or, the parent may be too
permissive with the child, even neglectful, leading the child to
attention-seeking behavior and feeling unloved.
Or, the parent may be overbearing in discipline, lacking in all mercy or
grace, causing the child to become fearful and resentful. Or, the parent may play favorites, prompting
bitterness in the unfavored child.
We can see examples of this in the families of the patriarchs. For example, Isaac sinned in partiality when
he favored Esau, even seeking to give him the promise that God intended for
Jacob. Jacob repeated this with his
children, first Joseph and then Benjamin.
Much of the family drama that ensued could have been prevented by
fatherly adherence to this command.
Men need to be addressed primarily in this due to their
leadership and their sometimes-innate sternness. Even so, we can safely apply this to mothers,
as well. In Hebrews 11:23, this word
applies to both of Moses’ parents. In
the context here, Paul has been addressing both parents. So, we cannot interpret this as meaning
fathers shouldn’t provoke children to wrath, but mothers may!
If children of the OT could be sentenced to death for
abusive, hostile behavior toward parents, then it would be murderous for
parents to incite such riot from their offspring. We as parents would never seek to turn our
children against us, but we must accept that such provocations result in such
an outcome. In other words, our rough or
repressing rule tempts our children to sin against our Lord. Instead, we must properly raise them,
bringing us to the final subpoint.
B.
Second, parents must disciple their children in
Christ (v. 4b).
We read that fathers are supposed to instead “bring them up.” This is the same word used in 5:29 to
describe how a man takes care of his own flesh.
It means to nourish or, in context of childrearing, it means… well, rearing. Again, this responsibility falls primarily to
the father, though the mother is an integral and indispensable helper in the
process.
This rearing is to occur specifically “in the discipline and
instruction of the Lord.” While the
conjunction (“and”) links the ideas of discipline and instruction, there is
some nuance to their meaning. First,
discipline is a must in the home. This doesn’t
just mean behavioral correction; it is instruction or education (in 2 Tim. 3:16,
it applies this to adults, as well). When
we talk about discipling, we are talking about discipline.
Of course, it also refers to correcting behavior. It’s also applied to adults and translated
“discipline” in Hebrews 12:9–11 — and no discipline seems pleasant at the
time! So, yes, fathers and mothers must
learn the art of corporal punishment; as Proverbs 13:24 says, “He who withholds
his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently.” As one commentary notes, “If left to
themselves, children will be rebels, so it is necessary for the parents to
train their children. Years ago, the
then Duke of Windsor said, ‘Everything in the American home is controlled by
switches—except the children!’ ”[2]
We must teach our child discipline, even through corporal
means. We must also raise them in
instruction or admonition. This term is used
of the OT in 1 Cor 10:11, which says, “Now these things happened to them as an
example, and they were written for our instruction, upon whom the ends of the
ages have come.” This means more than
learning moral lessons, however.
This is the noun form of the verb we find in a verse we’ve
taught on a couple of times, Col 1:28 — “
We proclaim Him, admonishing every man and teaching every man with all
wisdom, so that we may present every man complete in Christ.” The noun literally means “putting in mind” and
is the term from which we get “nouthetic counseling.” This is a process that parents should engage
in with their children (captured well in the book, Shepherding a Child’s
Heart by Paul Tripp).
Thus, we are not to merely teach children social norms and
acceptable behavior, but we are to instruct them on how to reason biblically
through their thoughts, emotions, and choices.
Indeed, the words here are νουθεσίᾳ
κυρίου, meaning “Christian instruction.”[3] If they are not Christians, we’re bringing
the Word to bear on their sin. If they
are Christians, we’re discipling them.
Indeed, consider v. 1 again — “Children, obey your parents
in the Lord, for this is right.” How do
children know how to obey “in the Lord”?
How can they determine what is right and wrong? Parents must open the Scripture to them,
bringing “them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
IV.
Conclusion
This message wouldn’t be countercultural to children in
Paul’s day, but it would be to fathers.
Many fathers ignored their children unless they became a burden, in
which case they disposed of them in one fashion or another. This passage required a completely different
parent-child dynamic than was present in Roman society.
Interestingly, both sides of this equation are controversial
today. Conflicting parental theories in
our society have one rejection in common — forcing religion on the child. Moreover, most children’s and youth
programing today paint adults in an unfavorable light, calling on the children
to believe they must rise up, rebel, and effect some kind of change.
Scripture almost seems archaic, but its message comes to us
from the unchanging Creator of all. If
we want to have families filled with the Holy Spirit, we must first have the
Holy Spirit. This means that, as you’ve
listened today and realized where you fail in obedience, you understand that
there is forgiveness available in Jesus Christ.
If you believe in the good news of Jesus Christ, seeking Him for
salvation, then you can know that the Holy Spirit has granted you new life in
Him.
Second, we must see this as instruction from the Holy
Spirit. Children/young people, allow the
Lord control of your life by obeying the parents He’s put over you. Fathers/mothers, submit to His will by
inclining yourself to them, raising them according to His will. May He be glorified in our families.
[1] John F. MacArthur Jr., Ephesians, MacArthur New Testament Commentary (Chicago: Moody
Press, 1986), 314.
[2] Warren W. Wiersbe, The
Bible Exposition Commentary, vol. 2 (Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1996), 53.
[3] William Arndt, Frederick W. Danker, and Walter Bauer, A Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament
and Other Early Christian Literature (Chicago: University of Chicago Press,
2000), 679.
